A Rude Awakening
by Meddwl
Summary: Thranduil and Legolas, having remained secretly among men are vastly surprised by a movie called the Battle of the Five Armies and their own portrayal in it...
1. Chapter 1 - Five elves in the Theater

AU. This was inspired by Nieriel Raina's _The Viewing_.  
However, it meshes with my other fics, Erynel is Legolas' younger sister. Ar-Pharazôn (called the Golden) was the last king of Numenor...he tried conquering the Undying Lands with highly unpleasent results, including but not limited to the utter destruction of his land.

Disclaimer: I own neither Tolkien's works or anything fabricated by one Peter Jackson. Oh well...

I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Thranduil glanced at his children. Legolas smiled back wryly while Erynel pulled a face at the obnoxious noise surrounding them.

Though all three had lived for years beyond count, hidden in this world of men they were still surprised at how uncouth "civilized" man could be. Around them the theatre was filling up with jabbering edain. Sloppily dressed teenage boys with ratty unwashed hair, simpering girls with overmuch makeup, middle-aged men and women with tired eyes watching their children.

Erynel winked at her brother as a platinum blonde twenty-year old flopped dramatically beside their father. Her eyelashes were literally weighed down by mascara and dragged heavily as she bated them at the king.

Thranduil stared for a moment in frank disgust and turned for aid to his children. Legolas' shoulders were shaking suspiciously as he whispered something to Erynel. Thranduil glared, fit to bore holes through his son's impenetrable skull. Feeling the weight of his father's gaze, he turned sighing apologetically as he glanced at the source of the fearless king's dilemma.

Luckily, for all three Susan Marie was suddenly distracted by a lanky, unkempt young man and turned her dubious attentions elsewhere.

A flash of scarlet caught the prince's attention as a group of adventurous college kids entered garbed in full Middle Earth regalia. One particularly well-crafted costume seemed vaguely familiar. He leaned to back to question the twins who had been snickering softly during the Susan Marie interlude.

"Does that costume remind you of anything?" he asked. The twins turned as one.

"Saruman" declared Elladan, "Just the sort of ostentatious nonsense he used to wear."

"Except that even Saruman never wore anything that silly looking on his head." said Elrohir.

"Yes, what is that spiky _thing?_" said Erynel, with what sounded suspiciously like a giggle.

"I think it is _supposed _to be a crown" laughed Legolas, as the lights around them dimmed slightly, "It looks like something Ar-Pharazôn used to wear!"

"But this is the Hobbit, not the Fall of Númenor" said Elladan under his breath, "We should have watched the first two, maybe it was explained in them."

"Stop talking, squirts!" yelled an impatient and irritated voice behind them.

"But it hasn't started yet" muttered Legolas softly, "Why do we need to watch _five_ trailers before the movie begins? I will never understand men."

"Squirts? _Us_?" mumbled Elladan.

* * *

It began at long last.

Smaug swooped down in a blaze of CGI glory.

"What happened to his diamond-covered belly?" asked Erynel, "I would think that they would be jumping to add something like that."

Legolas said nothing.

Bard and his son stood defiantly amid the ruins of the town while the five elves glared at him. He drew the black hunk of metal using his son's shoulder…"What!" hissed Legolas outraged, "That is ridiculous! What sort of archery experts did they use for this film? Anyways Bard fought alone, he wasn't even married yet!"

Elladan and Elrohir smiled infuriatingly at their outraged friend.

And the movie moved on.

Thorin went mad over the gold. Thranduil looked over at the four younger elves. "I was never on the best of terms the Oakenshield" he whispered, "but even I would never have believed that he was _that_ mad."

And then Lee Pace made his entrance. Thranduil subjected the screen to a scathing glare.

"_What_ on earth did they do to that poor man's eyebrows?" he muttered. Legolas and Erynel chuckled quietly as "Thranduil" ranted about "ending this".

"I know you liked jewels _ada_" whispered Erynel maliciously, "But that much? Have you and Legolas been hiding something from me all these years?"

Thranduil didn't even bother turning to her.

The comments came thicker and faster as the story devolved.

"Elves don't have red hair!"

"Oh, I don't know about that, _Silvan _elves don't, the Noldar on the other hand…"

"How big is this Middle Earth…Gundabad is weeks away from the lonely mountain!"

"War goats?"

"Trolls?"

"A moose?"

"Azog? But he was killed ages ago!"

"Dain sounded nothing like that! He had _black _hair!"

"Why are the dwarves on Ravenhill?"

"Legolas why do you have Thorin's sword?"

"I never touched Orcrist, _ada _had it the whole time."

"Kili and an _elf!"_

"What in Arda!"

"I know you're light Legolas….but really? Falling bricks?" Legolas decided to personally strangle whoever decided that gravity was non-existent in Middle Earth. He wasn't going to live that one down for _at least_ five centuries.

"Love?"

"Of course _naneth_ loved me. This is ridiculous"

"I am so glad we were left out." said Erynel, Elladan and Elrohir grinning at the fuming king and prince.

"Why don't they choose actors that look like us?"

"Why is everyone blond? Elves aren't blond, they are _golden-haired_.

"Even Thorin wasn't _that_ crazed…fighting on ice…"

"Our grandmother was _never_ that creepy! Not even when she crossed the Helcaraxë!"

"Where was Lord Celeborn?"

"What happened to Gandalf?"

"I liked Bilbo…"

"And the Shire…"

"Balin was good..."

"And….um...eh the Lonely Mountain…"

"Smaug _could _have been worse…"

"Well that was a waste of time even for an elf…"

"These people _liked_ that?"

"I believe that calls for some Dorwinion!"

Five shadowy figures slipped away into the night, laughing merrily.


	2. Chapter 2 - Investigations

This _was going _to be a one-shot...but it as it happens I have changed my mind...

* * *

Chapter 2 – Investigations

Dorwinion, although rich and mature did nothing to remove the lingering traces of irritation among the elves. Even worse it gave the twins ideas.

"I want to see Legolas fighting Bolg again" said Elladan, merrier than usual. Elrohir fished a laptop from his bag.

"Youtube" he said laughing, "It has been weeks since the film came out, someone is bound to have posted clips…"

Legolas put his head in his hands.

"Hmmmm….Legolas vs. Bolg…" said Elladan mouthing words deliberately. Immediately multiple videos appeared. Elladan clicked on the top one, while Legolas stared resignedly at the screen.

A decidedly human-looking "Legolas" appeared, pale blond hair blowing in the wind. Apparently he had fought Bolg in the last movie as well…

Erynel chuckled, "The Tauriel girl is glowing…" she said bringing their attention back to the screen. Thranduil snorted again, "As if _anyone_ would name their child _Daughter of Mirkwood_. We never even called it that!"

"Nice catch, _ion nin_" snorted Thranduil as a pair of knives neatly snipped a bouncing orc's head off…

"Athelas?" muttered Elrohir, "But that only grows where the Dunedain settled."

"Well, they never settled in Laketown" said Legolas firmly, "I would know."

Thranduil looked along the side bar, "What is this?" he asked, "_Legolas fights the Oliphant…"_

Elladan selected it and four amused elves watched as the blond Legolas slid about on the mûmak.

"What are the green shadows?" asked Elrohir, "Were there any green shadows in the battle?"

"Not that I remember…" muttered Elladan, "Where are we?"

"Left out…" said Legolas laughing heartily, until Erynel found another clip about a sliding shield. She clicked on it before her startled brother could react.

All five elves watched amusedly as "Legolas" went down skateboarding down a stairway.

"But I never…" Legolas began.

"Oh, yes you did" interrupted Thranduil, "Maybe not at the Hornburg, _I _remember a certain elfling who used to take great pleasure in that, minus the arrows."

"I was six." said Legolas.

Elladan, Erynel and Elrohir laughingly turned to Thranduil, "What _was _he like as a child?" asked Elrohir, "You must have a veritable treasury of stories…"

The Elvenking opened his mouth to answer, but he was cut off as the prince clicked another link entitled _Thranduil vs. Tauriel_.

An extremely arrogant looking blond filled the screen…wearing the spiky crown that had so amused them earlier.

He tried not to squirm (Elvenkings do not squirm even when confronted with such horrors…) as the four laughed mercilessly through a pompous speech about "lowly Silvan elves."

Finally he could take it no more, "I _married_ a Silvan _elleth_" he thundered at the screen, "This fellow is more like one of the more wretched sons of Fëanor then me! Whence came this nonsense?"

"Perhaps we should watch the other ones" suggested Elladan in a deceptively soothing voice, "We could start with the trilogy that they apparently made of the War of the Ring some years ago."

"It must of come out while we were in South America" pointed out Erynel, "That would explain why we didn't hear of it."

"_Why_ should we watch more of _this_?" asked Legolas, who had the most to lose, pointing an accusing finger at the screen which showed Thranduil sticking his turned up nose in Thorin's face.

"It may explain some of this other nonsense" said Thranduil, who felt safe; after all he had been far away from the Quest.

* * *

The next evening found the five together as Elladan, who had hurriedly retrieved a copy of the first film from the library loaded the dvd.

Thranduil was in one corner of the couch, Erynel leaning her dark head on his shoulder. The twins were sprawled gracefully on the floor, ready and willing to tease and comment as frequently as possible. Legolas wearing a profoundly concerned expression was perched on the other arm of the couch.

All were pleasantly surprised as the room was flooded with fairly decent edain music. Then a rather chilling voice gave a brief explanation of the ring.

"Somebody, just stole Treebeard's speech" commented Legolas thoughtfully, "Though he probably wouldn't care. He _has_ been more Treeish these last couple centuries."

"_That_ is supposed to be our father?" asked Elladan, as he realized that this movie had plenty of relatives to ruin.

"Elendil was far more handsome than that" said Thranduil calmly.

"That is _Sauron_?" gasped Elrohir.

"Where is Gil-Gilad? asked Erynel of no one in particular.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief as the Gandalf came in view, and the twins mercifully stopped chanting "_and some things that should not have been forgotten were lost" _in ghostly voices.

The comments faded away for a while, until Gandalf decided to touch the ring. Several caustic remarks were made about such a foolish move.

When Gandalf suggested that Frodo go to Bree while he found Saruman the comments became decidedly condescending

"…as if Gandalf would have sent Frodo off alone." said Legolas in a particularly haughty voice that sent his sister and friends into gales of merry laughter.

"I love the hobbits dearly, but they would never have evaded that many ringwraiths if they had been followed all the way to Bree…"

"Where _is_ Tom Bombadil?"

"Even a _drunk _Pippin wasn't _that _stupid!"

"Why did Estel just leave them alone?"

"Arwen!"

"Ugh"

"More glowing…" said Erynel laughing again.

"My poor sister!" said Elladan.

"Poor Glorfindel" said Elrohir in the same breath.

"Actually, _I _think Glorfindel is lucky…" commented Legolas dryly.

"Legolas, you look like an elleth…"

"Would you like me to show you how accurate this _elleth _is with a bow?"

"Boromir had black hair... and he certainly wasn't that naïve."

"Legolas why are you obeying Aragorn's every word?"

"What is that hunk of crystal?"

"Why do "I" keep making utterly clueless remarks?" asked Legolas in a hurt voice.

"Gimli was quite well mannered actually. Dwarves are not barbarians and they don't have Scotch accents."

"But Frodo stabbed the troll in the foot…"

"Oh, poor Haldir…wait till he sees this."

"Our poor Grandparents…"

"They couldn't even get the _gifts_ right?"

Eventually even elves run out of breath and so watched the rest of the movie in stony silence.

"It was _much_ better than the hobbit movie." said Erynel when it was finally over.

"Yes" said Legolas sounding unconvinced.

"The Shire was beautiful!"

"Again…" pointed out Elladan.

"Imladris was pretty" said Thranduil.

"That was not Imladris..."

"It was an excellent try for someone who had never seen it."

"Did this Tolkien write about anything about other than the War of the Ring?"

"Let us see" said Erynel typing the twins' names into her conveniently placed laptop as they sipped their wine (Legolas had decided that Dorwinion was once again in order).

"_Elladan and Elrohir, Twin Pranksters by Leglasswen Greenleaf"_ she looked up, "What is 'fanfiction?'"

* * *

To Reviewers:

Pip the Dark Lord of All: Indeed yes. I wish they really were out there somewhere secretly.

PegasusWingsVW: At your service...you're welcome.

nyx thanduillion: Well here is an answer to what they are doing.

Just A Reviewer: You read this in a quiet zone...:) I have to admit to similar mistakes...a friend and I once watched a Youtube comedy miniseries called Fruitcake in the library...bad idea. Well here is an answer to your wish. I am half-way through the next chapter of the Faithful as well. Up next...the elves discover...FANFICTION!


	3. Chapter 3 - Pranks and Angst

Chapter 3 – Pranks and Angst

"Fanfiction?" asked Thranduil, "How would I know?" He turned towards the twins and Legolas, a quizzical look on his face.

The twins shock their heads in denial, Legolas said nothing. He had once discovered a rather bizarre story ostensibly set in Middle Earth, though it was not the same Middle Earth that he was used too.

This Middle Earth had been chock full of evil creatures, men, elves, orcs, trolls, goblins, wargs, spiders, ghosts, magical stones and other even odder things. Legolas was the last to deny that there were many evils in Mirkwood, but not _that_ many, and not all out for his blood.

He had a horrible feeling that Erynel had just discovered more such tales and only the thought that the twins were apparently the first victims gave him any relief. The story had been an uncanny reminder of certain tales once spread about the wood elves in Minas Tirith. However kept his face appropriately blank of such thoughts and gave his father a beautifully confused look.

_"Elladan and Elrohir, Twin Pranksters by Leglasswen Greenleaf" _Erynel read again, "Let us find out."

Elladan and Elrohir looked slightly apprehensive, but nodded. All-unknown to the poor, innocent elves Leglasswen Greenleaf was a writer of a particularly vicious strain. Not only did she enjoy flinging beautiful and mysterious girls with her hair color and personality into the lives of unsuspecting elves, but she was also a firm believer in the unfounded rumors that the sons of Elrond liked dumping buckets of mud on Erestor, super-gluing Lindir's harp-strings and dying Glorfindel's hair pink with strawberry juice. She cheerfully ignored the fact that Middle Earth was happily lacking in super-glue.

"What does Leglasswen mean?" wondered Elladan.

"What kind of last name is Greenleaf?" added Elrohir, "_Last_ name" he hastily added seeing the looks on the woodelves' faces, "It's a perfectly good _first _name."

"Enough" said Thranduil, "I will read."

"_Summery_" he began, his pleasant voice contrasting oddly with the poorly written words, _"The Prankster twins of Ravendell have irrated Glorfindel for the LAST TIME. Elrond sends them to Mirkwood in hopes that they will learn better manners. But who is that blonde elfling that they find dying in the woods and why does the Elvinking seem so angry?"_

"Ravendell?" asked Elladan, "Do they mean _Rivendell_, that is what men called Imladris is it not?"

Thranduil scowled ferociously at _Elvinking_ and _angry_. But being the valiant and noble king that he was he struggled on.

"_An Angry Roar sounded through the fair halls of the Lord Elrond. Lindir hid hastily as a blur of blonde hair and green robes dashed down the hallway._

"_You little brats!" it yelled, "How dare you mess with my luscious blond locks!" Giggles sounded from the ceiling where a pair of indintical elves grinned down at the screaming lord. Suddenly Elladan lost his footing and crashed downwards into a thick red curtain…"_

Five horrified exclamations echoed around the room.

"We never giggle" snarled Elrohir.

"Dye hair?" growled Elladan, "we have much better things to do with our time."

"Glorfindel screaming?" laughed Thranduil.

"Poor Lindir" said Erynel.

Legolas said nothing.

"Let us continue" said Thranduil, but he sounded slightly dubious. _"Elrohir tumbled after him squawking like a plucked chicken…"_

"Plucked chicken!"

"Squawking!"

"Hm…_dumped in pond…rode hastily out of Ravandale…quick ride to Mirkwood…bleeding form under an oak… …called Legolas…tearstained cheeks… father beat me while drinking Dorwinion…_WHAT!"

"I am thousands of years older than you two!" exclaimed Legolas surprised out of his silence.

"I would never beat an adult, much less a child and certainly not my _son_!" thundered the Elvenking smacking the laptop closed.

"Maybe it is just this writer" pointed out Erynel soothingly, "Let is try a different story, they can't all be that bad."

"No" said Legolas dismally feeling his time ticking away, "They could be worse…"

"_Lasto Beth Nîn" by Tauriel2016" _read Erynel, desperately trying to prove Elrohir right and not giggle.

Alas, Tauriel2016 was yet another firm believer in those despicable and wanton creatures known to their victims as "Mary Sues" and was a devoted lover of Tauriel, the red-headed Mary Sue from the Hobbit. Nor was that all, Tauriel2016 also enjoyed tormenting her characters in strange and gruesome ways with graphic details. She was the honorary president of an illegal elf torture group and ran a website called "Sapphire Depths" dedicated to the foolish devotees of a Barbie doll version of Legolas.

"What kind of title is 'Hear My Voice?'" wondered Elladan aloud.

"Silence, O Prankster Twin" laughed Erynel purposely skipping the summery, "_Lily was a beautiful girl, as a child she had been called angelic by her beloved parents. But, alas those happy days were long gone_._ Her parents were died, killed in a gruesome car crash…" _

Erynel was not a squeamish maiden by any stretch of the imagination, she had grown up in a forest called Mirkwood (by strangers) and had unfortunately had to prove her courage and strength on more than one occasion. Even so the description of the mangled remains of Lily's hapless parents was too much for her and she conveniently edited it to _"their bodies were buried with all due respect."_

"_Unfortunately her Aunt Cely and Uncle Thrandy were less than kind. Lily's was a miserable existence, despite her beauty and cleverness she was unappreciated. Teachers scoffed at her answers and tormented her with essays and papers, fellow students made fun of her in their jealousy for her incomparable gorgeousness. But all that was about to change…" _Erynel ended the paragraph in a tense whisper.

"Indeed" said Thranduil sarcastically, he was about to put an end to the story when he saw his daughter's face. Her eyes were twinkling and her mouth puckering as she tried not to laugh. Thranduil decided that another couple paragraphs would kill no-one.

How wrong he was.

Erynel began again, "_Far away in another place and another time a fair being lay in the utmost agony beneath the cruel hands of orcs. Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood, incomparable in his gorgeousness and brilliance was a prisoner of his people's worst enemy!"_

"Daro!" said the real Legolas in his most commanding voice, the voice that had led the woodelves into battle and terrified countless foes. It was masterful and unassailable in its authority to all save the royal family of the Greenwood. Alas, for the fair elven prince, his foe was no orc or vile goblin but a teenage writer's cruel words read in the sweet voice of his royal sister.

Nevertheless, Erynel faltered for a moment before continuing, _"The orcs parted as a tall figure stepped forwards, the prince's second cousin Thorngil had come to finish his vile work. Forever jealous of his cousin, he wished to see him die painfully and slowly. Slowly he lifted a gleaming elven blade made in the lost city of Yandil. Silver tears fell from the prince's sappherine eyes as he beheld his death. _

_The blade dropped slowly, splitting the tortured body in two…"_

"That isn't possible!" exclaimed Elrohir, "I could barely split someone in half with a swift stroke, no one could split anything in two in slow motion!"

"You have tried splitting people in two?" asked Erynel.

"No son of mine cry because he was about to die!" said Thranduil dangerously, sending Legolas a comforting glance. Erynel felt slightly ashamed, she had known it was going to be quite that silly…

Legolas stood with the greatest of dignity. "I must see the stars" he said, with a glance at his sister, "And I believe a little quiet conversation with Fangorn is necessary after that nonsense."

And the true Prince of the Greenwood sprang lightly from the window and into the trees.

* * *

Oh, dear the elves are out for revenge...

Maybe they will read some good fanfiction sometime. It's funny, I stumbled on Mary Sue after Mary Sue when I first started reading fanfic, I nearly gave up on it before I found stories worth reading.

Also, Erynel has NOT fallen in love with Mary Sues, she is just being a younger sister and enjoying seeing her (almost) perfect big brother squirm a little. I apologize if it seems that I have insulted/copied anyone's stories. I pulled all of that nonsense, spelling mistakes and all from my own head.

To Reviewers:

nyxthranduillon: Nope...not well at all. They would stumble on Mary Sues...the Legolas-obsessed brand.

FandomFangirl100: May you continue enjoying...

LOTCER: Yep, rather. Though I also dislike the boneless Legolas that melts when he discovers silly stories about himself. No melting Legolas here...

Lilyssy: You giggled! most un-elven...

PegasusWingsVW: Oh, I am so glad I helped your day. Writing this is so much fun...

Just A Reviewer: I am still not sure about them reading my stories, I didn't want to use real stories...unless people volunteer them. Also, because I am not cruel enough to leave you wondering, all is forgiven, I was not really insulted to begin with. More amused, and felt the need to be sarcastic. I honestly love your reviews...and that last one for First Impressions made me laugh for about 10 minutes...So don't feel bad!

Optymistika: When Elf Lords are insulted...

earthdragon: I am still debating Glorfindel..maybe next chapter...

1356-2478: No, just clear his mind with the free air and starlight. Thranduil on the other hand... 

till next time

Shire Rose


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